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Depression
Days like this.

I wake up later than I meant to, having drunk more wine than I meant to last night.  I’m about to start an antibiotic that requires I don’t drink at all: some silly part of me wants to “enjoy myself” before the fast; some dark part of me wants to make myself not want to drink for a while by making the following morning unpleasant.  I don’t wake up sick or hung over, but definitely feel a lag.  I’m already behind in my day.

The sky is the grey of unbleached wool.  The melancholy that has gripped me for the past few days is hanging on.  A new client cancels her appointment.  A mentally-ill relative leaves me a long, miserable, angry voicemail with classic Christmas music blaring in the background.

I keep counting the hours back from when I have an appointment and recognize that I probably won’t get done all the things I mean to today.

I’ve written much, elsewhere from here, about my struggles to organize and discipline myself since the last time I had a job where I was beholden to a boss.  (2004?  2005?)  It’s always been difficult, and continues to be so, though it feels like it gets better.  Still, some unhealthy habits remain, some comfort behaviors that no longer serve me get in the way of better success.

I struggle, I get depressed, I have days where I feel like I get nothing at all done.  And then some days, magic happens.

I just hope that a post like this might be a little weirdly encouraging for people who think that someone who writes so much about positivity must have an awesome life.  And I do, I do have an awesome life.  But even given that…it’s not always easy.

Which is probably a good thing.

(Somewhat inspired by this post of David Kanigan’s, whose bravery in self-reflection awes me.)

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