In anticipation of my talk on embodied consent in September, I’m going to writing a lot about consent in this space. I’m away until August 10, so for the next two entires, you’ll be getting reruns. Here’s an oldy but goody that practically went viral when I first posted it.
What imprints do we receive as children? When you were five, or six, or seven, what messages really stuck and taught you how people ought to treat each other, how you deserved to be treated, and what options you had for interaction with others?
I know for my part, I was teased a lot as a kid. I was overly tall, overly smart, and overly quiet. I was an only child, I moved a lot, and I didn’t get a lot of lessons on how to interact with kids my own age. When I reported my tortures, I was told to ignore them because “they were just jealous.” Even at six, I could tell that this was 1. patently untrue, and 2. totally useless to me in salving my pain.
A couple of pieces have crossed my path this week, too, about the power of adults to help kids negotiate consent with one another. While one piece focused on how rape culture starts young, with the pernicious “boys will be boys” narrative, the other focused on the solution: how do we teach children to ask each other for consent, and to honor that consent?
I think it’s important that teasing and bullying be stopped by adults, and punished. But I also wonder how much more we could do with teaching kids about how to ask each other permission, even for things they might initially think are definitely going to be a no? “The ‘overarching attitudinal characteristic‘ of abusive men,” says Kate Elliott in the piece I linked above, “is entitlement.” How much better might the world be – both for young people and for the adults they will become – if we taught kids to respect each other’s bodies at an early age?
As an illustration of this, I present this adorable story from my friend Kaz, who teaches swimming to kids at MIT. It makes me wistful: I wonder what my childhood could have been like with a teacher like her, who not only called out bad behavior but sought to teach kids how to deal with each other like the little human beings they are.
Story below, in its entirety.
Ah teachable moments. Today I actually got to educate my kids about what consent is, in a completely non-sexual context. This one little boy, who’s totally the sort who will try to get attention any which way but how, splashed one of his classmates, right in the face.
Me: Hey, buddy, I saw what you did there. That’s hardly friendly. ::to the little girl in question:: You okay?
Little girl: Yeah, but now my eyes sting. (this happened when she had her goggles off)
Me: ::to the little boy:: That really wasn’t nice. Would you please apologize to her?
Little boy:: ::sheepishly cause he totally got caught:: I’m sorry.
Me: Now, that might have been okay if you had just asked her first.
Little boy:: What? ::stunned look on face::
Me: Splashing can be fun. Some people don’t mind being splashed as long as it’s their choice. But you have to ask. It’s called getting consent. It means that the thing you want to do is accepted by the other person, and isn’t a bad surprise. The other person may say, no. If that happens you can’t hassle them about it. You accept their no, but you may still ask other questions. For instance, you may ask if it’s okay to ask again at some other time. Regardless, other person may also say yes. Either way, it’s a good idea to ask. Plus, it can make things more fun.
Little boy: ::mind blown:: Really?
Me: Yup. Here, I’ll show you how it’s done. ::to little girl:: Hey. I really want to splash water in your face. Right now. Can I?
Little girl: No, thank you.
Me: Okay, then I won’t. Maybe some other time?
Little Girl: *giggling* Wait, I want you to ask me again.
Me: Okay. Hey, I’d still really like to splash water in your face. Can I?
Little Girl: Yes. As long as I get to splash back.
Me: Sounds great. Let’s! ::we splash one another and laugh about it::
For frame of reference these kids are around age 7. After I explained, they suddenly got much better about asking one another for consent about all sorts of things. “Hey, I’d like to go first this time (for dives) can I?” So on and so forth. It was kinda of mega awesome. I feel all spiffy.